“I hate feeling this way…”
Avoidance is something we all do. It’s natural to want to turn away from uncomfortable emotions, to try to push them down, distract ourselves, or even criticize ourselves for feeling them in the first place. But the irony is, the more we resist our emotions, the more they tend to stick around. It’s like a Chinese finger trap—the harder we pull away, the tighter the grip.
A big part of the problem is the way we relate to our emotions. We tend to categorize them as good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. If we feel anxious, we might tell ourselves, "I hate feeling this way," or "I shouldn’t be this upset." If we feel sad, we might think, "I need to snap out of it." These reactions don’t help; they only add another layer of suffering on top of what we’re already feeling. Instead of just experiencing an emotion, we start to battle with it, and that battle often makes us feel worse.
The approach I use with my clients in counseling, using The Unified Protocol (UP), teaches that emotions aren’t the problem—our response to them is. Emotions aren’t enemies; they’re signals. They’re trying to tell us something. Anxiety, for example, is often there to warn us of potential danger. Sadness might be nudging us to slow down and reflect. Even anger can be useful, signaling that a boundary has been crossed. When we avoid emotions instead of listening to them, we miss out on the information they’re trying to give us. And when we resist them, we can actually make them stronger.
Many of us don’t take the time to pause and consider what we’re actually feeling before reacting. Instead, we try to get rid of the discomfort as quickly as possible. This can look like staying busy, doomscrolling, overworking, or numbing out with food, alcohol, or other distractions. But avoidance only gives emotions more power. What we resist, persists.
There’s an important distinction between coping and resolving emotions. Coping strategies can help in the moment—deep breathing, grounding exercises, or taking a walk—but they don’t necessarily get to the root of what we’re feeling. To truly process and move through emotions, we have to acknowledge them, make space for them, and consider what they’re trying to tell us before deciding how to respond in a way that aligns with our values.
If you’re not sure what you’re feeling, a tool like the feelings wheel (feelingswheel.com) can be helpful. Often, we default to broad categories like “anxious” or “mad,” when really, the emotion might be something more specific, like feeling unheard, overwhelmed, or disappointed. The more specific we can be in identifying what we feel, the more we can understand what we need.
Emotions are adaptive. They’re part of what makes us human. They help us connect with others, make decisions, and navigate the world. When we stop fighting them and instead approach them with curiosity, we give ourselves the opportunity to move through them rather than getting stuck in them.
Anxiety, in particular, wants answers. It’s always asking, “Why am I feeling this way? What if something bad happens?” But the more we chase those answers, the more tangled we get in the fear itself. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is stop fighting and simply allow the feeling to be there. When we do, we often find that it passes much more quickly than we expected.
So the next time you catch yourself trying to push away an uncomfortable emotion, pause. Ask yourself: What is this feeling trying to tell me? What do I need right now? And what action aligns with my values, rather than just my immediate desire to escape discomfort? When we stop resisting and start listening, emotions lose their grip, and we gain the ability to move forward in a way that feels right for us.
